Baby Hints & Tips

Impact of masturbation on sex life

Private PropertyHow often does your husband masturbate? Does he do it in secret or is he open about it? How does it impact on your sex life? How often do you have sex?

  • I see nothing wrong with masturbation within a relationship providing;1. It doesn’t impact on the sex-life of the relationship
    2. It doesn’t impact on family planningFrom reading I have done on the topic, men who are in relationships and still masturbate would less likely turn down advances from their partner. The sex drive is often much higher than their partners and men have their needs, so looking after oneself is a normal part of the male composition.Remember, and alternative to masturbation is having extra-marital sex, and that can be dangerous and unwelcome on so many levels. So if the man in your life is pleasuring himself in the privacy and safety of his own home, and it isn’t impacting on your sex life or even your day-to-day life, then how can this be a bad thing?

    Whilst no one would ever suggest that it should be a public thing (and I’m not just talking in the streets, out in the open, but in semi-public spaces such as public toilets), it really needs to be something that is discussed and the stigma surrounding it needs to be lifted. If like many of the women who have commented have suggested, all men do it, then it would be ridiculous not to make it a welcomed part of any relationship.

    Let’s look at this scenario; let’s say before you have children and furthermore, before you are pregnant you have a very healthy sex life. (Side bar; what is a healthy sex life? Whatever makes both of you happy, be it once a month, once a week, once a day, once before each meal, lol). And then you get pregnant.

    Now once the news has well and truly sunk in, and once the aches and pains are truly taking over, and once the pregnancy is in full swing many women don’t want to have as much sex if any sex at all. It could be because they physically are unable to, and for some, the mental stress of the changes in the body can subconsciously be projected outwardly and have a huge impact on her want to have sex. Basically it is “sex got me into this ‘mess’ so I’m leaving that whole practice behind.”

    Is that justified? Probably not. But does it happen? Yes.

    Now let’s say this couple were having sex 2-3 times per week. Let’s say this 2-3 times per week was to me both of their sexual needs (I am being very bi-partisan with this approach assuming that both the man and the woman agree to the frequency and neither the man nor the woman is forced into having sex). So when the woman is pregnant and for whatever reason her libido decreases, that is both natural and in most cases expected. But the libido of the man, that hasn’t changed. So what is he to do?

    This is where in a healthy relationship that it should be discussed. I would suggest in these modern times that an expectant mother who is changing the game plan, who is asking for her space so that she can grow the little baby inside her without adding undue or unwanted physical impact should suggest to her partner that looking after himself is not just an alternative, but a welcomed practice.

    Now I guess that in this scenario that if we are openly suggesting masturbation, then we could also assume that if the woman is okay with it, then she would be up for some interaction with her partner; mutual masturbation. In this case, mutual doesn’t mean “you look after me, I look after you” as often if the woman doesn’t want sex, she doesn’t want anything that is remotely sexual. I am not talking about hugs and cuddles, I am talking about anything that would be on the banned list at your local Sunday School for those who are not married. So what I am saying here, if the woman feels that she shouldn’t suggest self pleasure because she is worried about being asked to participate or feel pressured to, then that really needs to be addressed accordingly.

    For the man who has had his sex life go from 100 to zero in 60 seconds, it can have both a mental and physical effect on them too. In the same way women start to feel “unsexy” when their bodies change, men who are rejected by their partner can feel that they are becoming less of a priority to their partner. I believe that this can be one of the causes of post natal depression (PND) in new fathers. And for those women who are thinking “lack of sex = PND, seriously, get over it,” sadly, it is this attitude that is causing further problems and relationship break-downs.

    My wife was devastated when she knew that her pregnancies were impacting on our sex life. It is not that she wanted more sex herself, but I feel that she knew that not having sex could drive a wedge between us. But, that wasn’t going to make her “give in” and just do it, and really, I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who wasn’t into it. And whilst it really isn’t on par with rape (in the sense of having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there), for me (and I know that a lot of men would think completely different to me), I want more than a (please excuse my crudeness) “wam bam, thank you ma’am” or “stick it in, wave it round, do your business then roll over” type of sex life. If I wanted that, I might have well have stayed single and just visited hookers.

    To sum up this section, I think that it is a healthy practice (and practice might be to operative word for some men) and if it isn’t impacting negatively (and why would it?) then I would suggest you let him go for it.

    Th other thing I suggested is the masturbation impacting on family planning. I was asked by a family friend if I would be interested in being a sperm donor. We are lacking (at least in NSW) men who are willing to do it now that they have changed the privacy laws (but I’m not going into that).

    I went along to the clinic to discuss this with them and I was talked to in private to discuss many things and one of them was about how being a donor would impact on my (short term) sex life and/or the want/need to masturbate. You see, they don’t want men coming in there (pun?) with an empty tank. Basically I was told that I would have to keep it well in my pants and keep both my wife and my own hand away from it for a period of time leading up to the donation. And that made sense.

    So then, if me having an empty tank for this was going to be a problem, I wondered how much negative impact masturbation might be having in the field of family planning within a relationship. I know it only takes one strong little fellow to find his way to the egg, but if all your strong swimmers are racing out into a tissue, then you’re not leaving a greater mass of them hanging around planning how they’ll impregnate the egg. It’s safety in numbers. Protest en mass.

    I’m not a doctor. I am not a scientist. I haven’t carried out studies on this; basically, this is just a theory that I have thought about. And not to put any strain on those who are trying for a baby and it is not working out, but maybe, if the man is a very regular masturbator, maybe stopping that practice until after the pregnancy is in full swing might be something worth trying.

    I will finish off (pun not intended once again) by saying that I know that for some woman, the whole masturbation issue has less to do with the actual act and more to do with the psychology of it, and then there’s the inclusion of porn which can have some negative issues of their own. I am not going there with these because as a man I hold a strong bias towards this.

    As always, I will put in this disclaimer to say I hope that this helps, and please do not take what I have written as gospel; keep up the discussion here, keep up your own research, and please, please, please, keep the lines of communication with your partner open so that if you have any issues, you can work them out together. Darrell

  • My husband doesn’t masturbate, he can’t remember the last time he did although I think it was when we were in different countries for a few weeks. We have a great sex life and always have even after 2 kids, sex about 2-3 times per week. I think I’d be upset if he did, when I’d be happy to have sex with him! And to those saying so, not all men do and he’s certainly not lying about it. We talk about everything! Lou2
  • My hubby is Fifo and has always been honest that he masturbates most nights up there. Says there’s not much else to do lol. Bothered me at first but fine with it now. Everyone does it. It doesn’t affect out sec life when he’s home and he doesn’t do it when he’s back home. I agree that all men do it, some are just more secretive about it. Sarah
  • No it never effected our sex life when he did it. When his libido was high, he could do both. Now he has lost much of his libido due to illness and medication, so is not interested in sex very much or masturbation. Now I’m the one who needs to ease the tension myself. I find the more I do it, the more I want sex. Horny Mumma
  • Husband is a fifo worker and so masterbates 1 or 2 times each swing away(he’s on an 8 and 6 day roster). He is open about it and i have no problems with it. When home we have sex usually between 1-3 times a week. We have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 6 week old twins but we still try to make time for ourselves. I think masterbation is healthy in any relationship and agree that all men do it but not all admit it. I’m grateful to have a relationship where we can be honest with each other. Alicia
  • My Husband is quite the opposite to most men. He has never masturbated. even when we were doing IVF he was unable to finish through masturbation Laura
  • My hubby has lost a lot of his sex drive since the birth four months ago and so doesn’t masturbate any more. He used to masturbate a couple of times a week. We have only had sex three times since the birth after we made a commitment to do it once a week. I never got upset if he masturbated. Everyone does, it’s a completely normal sexual behaviour so I wouldn’t worry about it:) Laura
  • Masturbation is not just for men. Hubby and I have been together for 11 almost 12 years. I believe that at least if one or both of us masturbates, it is not as bad as finding someone else to do it with. Porn is not all bad either. We use it as a tool, to spice things up and try new positions and techniques. Sex has never been better. Masturbation can however lead to desensatision if done too often. Trixie
  • My husband never masturbates we have sex every second or sometimes stretched to every third day,we have 2 kids. Alicia
  • my hubby never masturbates so im not much help but we have foreplay/ sex 4-5 times a week. Yara
  • I only just a few months back caught my husband masturbating to porn on his iphone I was so shocked and upset. ONLY because we were going through a rough patch and we werent having sex. I think its ok as long as you are still having sex in the relationship. If theres no sex and hes masturbating then you have a problem Queenie

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