Miscarriage – What did friends/family do that helped?

Miscarriage: What did family/friends do that helped? Was there anything that didn’t help or made you feel worse?

• The worst I got from doctors and a counseller was 25% of all pregnancies end this way, I didn’t care about the others I cared about mine , the other classic you’re young enough to try again .And never say at least you didn’t get to know them , we know that that’s the point I couldn’t name my babies tell you the colour of their eyes you are left with nothing and very little acknowledgment.Thats what hurts it’s like they were never there to others. Kirsty-Anne

• Pretending nothing has happened….. Avoiding the entire subject….. Or saying things like ” must have had something wrong, or probably for the best”…. As I had 2 already & we were young…… Not one person said ” I’m so sorry for your loss”…… It was awful. Sally

• Felt abandoned and no one spoke to me for weeks. Probably having a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to would have been good. Belinda

• They let me talk about it. They never made me feel like I had to get over it. They never said ‘its natures way’ or ‘these things happen for a reason’. They were there for me. Colby

• Don’t ever say “this was meant to be” because that makes no sense to a person who has created life and lost it. Leah

• Nothing – I found it hard to talk about just wanted someone to hug me.But I was told ‘at least you know you can’ & my mother was ‘unable to handle it’ & I haven’t heard from her in 4ish years. Natasha

• Couldn’t handle hearing ‘was for the best’, ‘some things just arn’t meant to be’, ‘your baby just wasn’t healthy enough, or maybe you wernt’, ‘don’t worry you will have another and you will forget about this one’, I hated talking about it to anyone who hadn’t been through it cause they always said the wrong things. Best just to listen and if you want to say anything just say ‘ I’m so sorry for your loss’ Alyce

• Well I’ve had five miscarriages and the five I lost my husband and family did absolutely done sweet f##k all they just told me to suck it up and now I have depression really bad I shrugged the first one under the carpet but when I lost my 2nd one in the same yeah I lost it and for everyone after that I just got worst go and see professional help I did eventually got help I’ve been threw it five times it’s not nice thing to happen to you Katherine

• I got a package full of goodies from my Gran in the UK. Talking about it helped me realise how many people I know went through the same thing Pam

• I had my bub cremated then a Memorial garden helped, had my bubs name and D.O.B on a plaque I had the crematorium make and attached it to a rock in the garden, every year I add a cherub or wind chime to the garden Apreinia

• Hey when I miscarried this year at 4 weeks. people would say its not for the best and wasn’t meant to be. It was only small anyway these comments made me so angry. My husband didn’t really understand how I felt didn’t want to talk about it with me. The fact that it was 2 days before mothers day made it worse. But on the bright side I was told that u are most fertile after having a miscarriage. It can depend on how far u are along too. I would be willing to talk and support my friend who had a miscarriage and to let them know u are always there to have a talk whenever they want to. It is very hard and hurtful , disappointed to go through. The way I looked at it is u can get pregnant again when u want. Melanie

• At least you know you can fall pregnant’ or ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’ and then there’s my favourite ‘you’re young, you have plenty of time to try again’ Amy

• “It all happens for a reason” even though I believe this…I did not want to hear it at the time. Or “don’t be angry about it…you can be sad just not angry” I can feel however I want to feel about it. I personally didn’t want anyone but my husband. Everyone is so different in how they deal with it or how they feel about it. It’s hard to offer advice. I think the only thing you can do is say ‘I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m here if you need me.’ Haylee

• yeah i agree for the best or meant to be still makes me angry nearly 2 years later or but it wasnt really a baby! if the person wants to talk listen if they dont then dont push it either. Rachel

• I had seven miscarriages and each one was devastating !! But found out it was a genetic thing with my husband …saying that I have a friend who actually gave birth to a son who was born with terrible problems and lived for 18 months and all the time he was loved and cherished as any babe should be …he had the same genetic problems as all of my lost babes had …so in a way I feel lucky that my babes didn’t have to suffer like he did !! But wish everyone didn’t say it was for the best becoz at the time that was the worst thing anyone could have said to me …it’s never the best losing a child !!!Chris

• Worst thing was being told “its part of being a woman & not to go getting upset beacause it was for the best” by my mother. & being told not to be scared to try again by ppl who have never experienced it. I think a lot of ppl who havent been through it really don’t think of it as a loss & just can’t understand. My 17mo daughter & my husband coming home to be with me were my biggest help. Beth

• Finding out some people I knew had had miscarriages. Spending the weekend with a friend who had while my husband was away. Juanita

• The woman who confirmed my miscarriage via ultrasound said to me “at least now you know what you really want…” and “it must have been a sick baby, no one wants a sick baby…” Candy

• Some people have a hard time knowing what to say but pretending it never happened or ignoring the subject altogether hurt even more. I was almost 15 weeks and couldn’t emotionally “just try again”. Amy

• My idiot sister in law told me…well you love sex so now you have to have lots more and make another one….. Kellie

• I hated when people would say ‘at least you weren’t further along’. The best was when I called my mom and she said she was sorry and then said she had felt sad all day and now she knew why. . Another bad one – One person actually asked if I was sure I had lost the baby…. smh Michelle

• I felt like a failure. My mum was there and my bf at the time was there for me but I shut everyone out. Knowing they were there was enough but it was something I felt I had to accept myself. Each person is different but having support is the biggest thing Jen

• I agree with an earlier comment, I had people say at least you have the other 2 kids because I already had 2 before the miscarriages and I also heard ‘ god doesn’t give you more then you can handle’ a couple of times and also it will make you stronger. Kelly

• I really don’t like! It’ll be ok! Keira

• I disconnected from anyone that didn’t contact me after. They said their sorry and that’s it. Rebecca

• my hubby didn’t help with such phases as wasn’t meant to be. maybe it was for the best. let it go.. his know learnt tough love its what i needed. talking to anyone that listen was good Evelyn

• Because the baby was unplanned I got a lot of “at least it wasn’t planned” and also got ” it wasn’t ment to be” people really just don’t know what to say and until I had been though it myself I didn’t either! Amy

• all those typical lines like there must have been something wrong, your body did the right thing etc. I think the best thing was to let you know they are there for you, there is nothing they can say or do to make you feel better but its nice after a short time for them to help take your mind off it even for a little while Michelle

• Just be there for sum1 & let them talk, cry, shout, never say u can try again, it was meant to be, it’s for the best & be there for them wen the baby was meant to b due wiv hugs & support cos that’s just as hard as it is at the time of the miscarriage Julia

• My family live 13hrs away so pretty much got txt messages and calls saying sorry, I will make a great mum when it does happen. My mum told me it happened for a reason. As much as they were trying to be supportive, it didn’t ease the pain at that time. Work friends were nice and supportive but it still felt like a very lonely experience. Partner was great Mel

• if u want to talk get them just to listen. if you want to cry just do it ! My mum took me to the hairdresser to get my hair done – as that would make me feel better ! WRONG Michelle

• No one seems to understand the pain like yourself and your partner… It’s a very personal time that I think you need to be alone to stop, reflect and learn to be strong to try again…. To other people they will never understand… At least that’s how I felt and still do…. Since our miscarriage a year ago we now have a gorgeous baby girl. So I just believe my last little angel was not meant to be ours where this one was… That’s what helped me get through it…. Krystal

• My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage but only partial. I found out on a Friday that the baby’s heart had stopped beating and stopped growing at roughly 6wks but was supposed to be 9 wks along. I had to wait till the following Monday before will could have a D&C to remove the baby. A close family member told me “it was for the best”! Stelle

• Just say you’re sorry and offer to do anything for them if they need it. It is as simple as that. Leah

• From those you’d confided in just a mean full hug goes far Amy

• People just ignored it.. I don’t think I really had much support. Melinda

• The lack of contact. The awkward phonecalls, when they were finally made & the making out it didn’t happen, really annoyed me. A Phonecall, every now and again asking how I was feeling, would have been appreciated. Didn’t appreciate being told to ‘snap out of it, at least you know you can get pregnant’ and ‘you can always try again’. Ignorant and dumb comments from people that should know better. Won’t mention names/who, but people who knew what had happened didn’t even think to take me out for coffee/lunch/dinner….didn’t even pop in to see how I was, or even offer to spend a few hours with me to go to the movies/shopping/walk along the beach. FFS. Just ignorance and selfishness really annoyed me, when these people always expect you to be there for them. Anon

• You don’t know what it’s like, until you, yourself suffer the tremendous loss. It’s just devastating, I honestly think as females, we tend to blame ourselves too. I think a lot about the first one. It’s horrible, but you learn to accept. Em

• The video was so exhausting to put together, because I knew the depth of what so many of those words had done to mothers. But some of the things, they *could* actually be the *right* thing for a mother to hear. The point is that our loved ones often respond – not just to our news – but to how THEY interpret OUR experience. If our loved ones would only slow down, come alongside us and listen – listen to our sobbing, our jibberish, our “I DON’T KNOW!!”, our anything – it’s the listening, that is so very validating. It’s what gives them the tools to know HOW to respond and what TO say.

• The underlying issue here, is that when our loved ones react to how THEY interpret OUR experience, what they are unwittingly doing is TAKING something from us, and at a time when we may already really feel robbed, like our babies were snatched from us. Think for example of a car accident. The police officer comes and slowly comes alongside each person individually. “OK” he says, “Let’s start taking the report. What happened?” If the two drivers jump out of their car and start yelling at each other, “You should have just turned left, you should have just slowed down, you can just buy another car you know” or, “Where you were headed wasn’t really that important after all, God didn’t want you there, there’s better plans for your car.” Those things would be terribly insufficient, inappropriate and even strange – and that’s just about a car. You know? Here’s the link from the video Carolyn mentioned, which also includes things that are GOOD for our loved ones to say and do. http://www.stillbirthday.com/familyfriends/ Heidi

• Just knowing that they are there if you decide you need it. It’s a taboo subject… and it shouldnt be. People need to talk to release the hurt and sadness from the loss. When people say that it ‘wasnt meant to be’ it just hurts more because there is no way to comprehend why. Avoiding you too, makes it harder to cope. Kimberly

• Its such an emotional time sadly no words are right. Chrissy

• Being told it was ok to feel lost and that you can mourn the loss. But hearing songs on the radio or seeing photos of babies was hard. Time and talking helped. Kryshia

• We found seeing friends/family with babies was extremely difficult. Hayley

• Having suffered 3 miscarriages, I found the hardest thing was when people said. ‘it’s for the best’ or ‘the baby was sick and is now in a better place’ or ‘try again soon’. None of this helped, when all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen and talk to me about my loss. Not enough people talk about miscarriages it is still a big taboo in most families, but it needs to be spoken about. I still think about the babies that might have been. Leigh

• The best thing is to just have family there when u need support. In the last 9 months I’ve had an ectopic and a missed miscarriage (passed away at 9 weeks, discovered at my 12 week scan) I must admit, many the things people have said they hated hearing were exactly what I told myself, I’m still suffering from depression over loosing my babies but telling myself it happened for a reason has helped me cope. The hardest thing I was told was that I should wait 6 months to try again after people implying I didn’t wait long enough between pregnancies. We need support, a loving hug, knowing someone is there, not other people’s opinions who haven’t felt our pain. And remembering daddies need the support just as much as us mummies do Kate

• “be happy with the one child you already…” or dont call and call and call and expect the person who just experienced the loss to answer the phone and want to “chat”….best advice? all i wanted from my bestfriend was for her to show up at my door and hug me..be there…cry with me… not spam call me….. Kira

• I had an ectopic pregnancy ….it was the loneliest time I have ever had. It broke me. If it wasn’t for my husband and kids I wouldn’t have had any strength, I felt like my family didn’t care….it wasn’t a big thing for them, just a surgery. They didn’t have to see the photos from the surgery. It is soo important for the loss and pain to be acknowledged. Briana

• Just had our second miscarriage a couple of days before the due date of our last miscarriage, nothing anyone can say will make it easier, we didn’t tell people we were pregnant the second time and I think it makes it a little harder because I can’t talk to anyone about it. The best thing that my hubby and parents and kids did for me was acknowledge that our baby was part of our family even though we never got to hold him. Sometimes there is not enough words to say, but if they have other kiddies take them out and cook a meal, don’t avoid them just be there. We all say silly things because we just don’t know what to say, so don’t avoid them because it may be awkward. I now have a better understanding if the pain that women go through and those that go through it time and time again my heart breaks for in a way that I just never understood before Caroline

• “everything happens for a reason” is painful. ..it hurts. Dismissal of it….it’s like because you didn’t carry for long it doesn’t matter..it does matter and it is still a loss… a loss of a little person, dreams and plans. I really think it’s difficult for anyone to understand, unless they go through it. Just be there for thebperson and check up on them and let them talk about it. Briana

• Nothing anyone did or said made me feel better after 2 miscarriages…crying and cuddling together with hubby just made it a little easier as we were together while we felt the pain of loss. Michelle

• To talk about it. I hated it when people would ask how you are and ask a question about the loss only to change the subject quickly and “shut the door” on you so to speak. To allow you to grieve however you need to and just be there to hug you not to say “you’ll get pregnant one day” you were pregnant that’s not what you want to hear. They can’t fix it but they can be there. Trisha

• Hated the comments of “obviously there was something wrong”, “it was meant to be” or “at least you know you can get pregnant”. Found it hard to bite my tounge on many occasions. I found talking with friends who had been through it was really helpful. Belinda

• Talking to friends who have been through it too really helped me with my rollercoaster of emotions. Only time will make it easier. & I agree, people saying things like “it wasnt meant to be, or u can try again” doesnt help, actually made me want to punch them in the face Abz

• Dont tell them its gods will, a blessing in disguise, you werent ready to have kids it just makes you feel worse. Giving a hug and telling them your there if you need to talk Tamara

• Agreed – thats the worst thing to say at the beginning but now that Ian stronger I do believe that my beautiful girls just werent meant for this earth. Talking about it helped me alot & not ignoring it… Bec

• I agree with cassie!! Just support, not go on about it too much. Amy-Lee

• When people said it’s ok you can try again Jade

• My old boss wasn’t impressed I was pregnant. We hadn’t told anyone yet, 8wks, when we told them I wasn’t going to work as I was in hospital. She said ‘oh well that’s good news!’. Everyone else was comforting. I think it was harder on my sil as she was 6mths pregnant at the same time. Natasha

• Avoiding me not talking to me made it worse….Friends that called just for the hell of it and made soup and meals and just didnt treat me differently helped A LOT! Marianne

• I went through it on my own as I had no one and the people I thought would be there for me showed their true colors. Dealing with it everyday is hard and it happened over 2 yrs ago now but not long after I did fall pregnant and now have a very healthy 2 year old girl oyr third and last child. Donna

• After 5 miscarriages (8-14 weeks) planted a tree and placed a plaque

• “For all our children who didn’t get a chance to shine, you are in our hearts forever” There really isn’t anything anyone can do or say, ride the emotions that follow, talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Anna

• My sister and her best friend came over every day after they finished school for about 2 weeks and helped me do housework or watched movies with me for a few hours and then I would drop them home. It meant I had time alone to grieve but also had support and people I could talk to if I needed it. Would not have recovered as well without them. Amy

• The best thing to say is just “I’m sorry, that’s terrible” and leave it at that. The other comments can be very hurtful and certainly aren’t helpful or don’t make you feel any better. In fact nothing can. Be there in any way you can don’t leave the person alone. They are not a lepper. A little space is good but avoidance seems like you don’t care. Be there for a hug or chat just listen and let the tears flow. Don’t try to put a limit on how long someone can or should grieve for they will grieve the loss forever in some way or other and thats ok. Helpful things like babysitting other kids, meals, cleaning are amazing. A friend made me a painting and a little clay disc with the date baby was born sleeping & it just meant so much. We will get a plant for baby when ready. Worst comment was “why are you still sad you already have 3 lovely children”. Nyaree

• My friend who had had one bought me a journal and I used it a lot and often look at it. Helps me to feel like that baby will be remembered. Kristin

• It’s not easy suffering a mc. I found it difficult to talk to my husband about it as I don’t think he knew what to say and always thinks very logically. I get the logically side but that’s not what you need to hear when you are all emotional. The best thing one of my friends did for me was to walk into my office, set down a bunch of bright flowers, gave me a hug and then turned around and left. I then got a message say I am here to listen whenever you are ready to talk. Helana

• When I miscarried I was told just try again. Like your even thinking about that at the time. Makes you feel like crap Jess

• i felt some ppl didnt see it as a big deal coz i lost my baby at 7wks, found out at 9wks. Just knowing my family was there was all i needed and lucky enough to get. They didnt need to say anything coz to be honest theres nothing u can say to make someone feel better after a miscarriage. One of my friends was there for me but I wish some of my other friends made more of an effort when this happened but that just proves whos real and whos not. Having a miscarriage isnt an easy thing to go through it hurts, doesn’t make sense, confuses u and theres no one to blame. Ebony

• We learned to talk about it. It wasn’t off limits to talk about. And it was ok to be truly disappointed. It helped keep everyone from saying stupid things and just be honest so we could heal. Emily-Joy

• We planted a tree in our front garden to acknowledge our loss (12 weeks). It’s been 3 years and I talk about it all the time. It was a significant (and very sad at the time) part of my life. I felt guilty for feeling so sad because it happens to so many women. It helps when your friends let you be sad and agree that it’s not fair rather than trying to help you move on by saying ALL of those comments above!! Danni

• iv had 8 miscarriages and recently had an ectopic pregnancy.. through all my miscarriages i had no support other then my partner. i didn’t even tell my family after the 4th.. but since my ectopic and them seeing how distraught i was i finally have support. but at first and even still a bit now i get the whole “try try again” or “it wasn’t ment to be” and all the other stuff you really don’t want to hear…. some people don’t no what to say, but some r also heartless so iv learnt to cut them from my life… Allise

• People were so unaffected. I was hurting and all they kept saying was it was meant to be and youll try again. I had a baby in my belly growing for almost eight weeks. I had morning sickness and my body was changing so it was real! I did get pregnant after that with a healthy baby girl she will be 3 in march. Tonilynn

• Head over to this blog from a friend you guys will not be disappointed the raw emotions when loosing a bub http://mumwagon.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/05-05-12/ Tara

• Everyone is different just letting them know you are there to talk with no judgement if they want or need to would be a good start Tanya

• My family were very supportive, and for that I’m extremely grateful. however I did get some negativity from other family and supposed friends, comments such as, ‘it’s for the best’ ‘that’s better for you because now wouldn’t be the right time’ I was 19.. or a few comments made behind my back such as ‘it’s a good thing She had the miscarriage as she wouldn’t have made a good mum’ comments like that made me spiral into depression Jennii

• Worse things were Saying we can always try again her let me grieve before replacing a child… Or when they change the subject because its too hard for them Teagan

• I was told by the doctor it was the human race deciding that the genetics weren’t right….helped thou by friends sharing experiences, you don’t realise how common it is until you have one Jenny

• I lost twins a couple of months ago which was my 6&7 babies lost hugging my 2 year old helped as my hubby was away working they are both my rock Tamara

• Just let her know you are there for her and then wait for her. She will talk about it when she is ready. Could be days, weeks or months. Takes time to deal with it Nicole

• I had a total of 5 miscarriages in between my sons, one was at 12 weeks the others at 5-7 weeks, i hated people saying ‘things happen for a reason’ and something must have been wrong, you are young you can try again. It helped when friends just listened and were there, they didn’t need to say anything really. Kelly

• I wad told that I was having a miscarriage with my first child (who was born beautiful and healthy on the 14th oct this year!). It was especially hard for our families to hear this news as it was the first grand child on both sides of either family. The worst thing by far was when I got told ‘its nature’s way of telling you there was something wrong’. It made me feel incredibly guilty, so many ‘why me’ moments went through my head; I do something for this to happen? I was quite angry yet pleased at the same time to find that the hospital I went to misdiagnosed me. They made me cry amd get depressed for no reason!! Natalie

• Saying “whatever will be, will be” …luckily ours was only a threatened miscarriage but several times Samantha

• Having someone who knew I am not religious say to me that ‘it wasn’t meant to be, god didn’t want it to be’ pissed me off. I was so angry! Just listen and hug. Kaylene

• don’t say “it wasn’t meant to be” Cassie

• Being told it was ‘for the best’ or ‘meant to be’ is annoying. Allowing you to talk about it rather than sweep under the rug helped. Carla

• I haven’t had a miscarriage but I gave birth to an angel who had anencephaly (incompatible with life) and the thing I HATED was people saying you can try again for another or just go back straight away for another. Never tell a grieving mother to replace her angel Toni

• Don’t dismiss it because you already have children. The heartache is real whether it is your 1st or 5 th. Anne

• I didn’t miscarriage but had a stillborn at 21 weeks. I found talking about it to anyone who would listen helped. Some friends pulled away saying they didn’t know what to say to me because it was so sad and that just made me lonely. I just wanted acknowledgement that my daughter existed Kirsty

• My husband bought me a little dummy pandora bead that I still wear now. Everyone has said pretty much all the not too’s…. Ignoring it/silence is hurtful, and comments like the ones mentioned are just thoughtless…..though looking back I don’t think the people saying them/not saying anything at all mean it personally…. they just don’t understand. I would never wish it upon anyone but I am now grateful for my miscarriage….that tiny unborn baby taught me such compassion and empathy to others going through the same thing….something I would never have understood before. And now that I have a little girl in my arms the gratitude is magnified and multiplied….I hope losing something so precious has taught me not to take this new blessing for granted ever! Bec

• People being too uncomfortable to ask how you are and instead say nothing can be the worst feeling. My boy was stillborn and those that ask about what happened/his birth etc make me feel like he was special and acknowledged rather than as if it never happened. I don’t want to forget him or others to pretend he never existed so I appreciate those who were open with me about his birth/death and particularly those who are not afraid to say his name, he wasn’t just a thing he is our child even if he isn’t with us. Sarah

• I have felt that anything people have said to me, it’s not so much the words that matter but the spirit in which they are intended. Many people just don’t know what to say but want to say something to express how sorry they are. The words might not always be perfect but for me, knowing that someone cares enough to want to say something to help is enough. Laura

• Someone saying ‘don’t worry you can always try again’ it’s NOT comforting AT ALL. Rebekah

• I have not had to experience a miscarriage, I have a handsome 2.5 year old son. To all the lovely ladies who have lost I am so sorry:( my heart breaks for you. And THANKYOU for being so honest, it means I will know how I can stand with those close to me who may experience it. Rhiannon

• I bought my Inlaws flowers when each pet passed away — I didn’t get so much as a card when I miscarried my baby!! A little human.. A life.. Versus a dog or cat! Still makes me cross! A beautiful friend bought me a memorial plant to plant and remember my baby by – that was really beautiful.. Liv

• Mum so glad I read this post and comments. I’ve never had a miscarriage but a few of my friends did and yes I’m sorry to admit it but I have said a couple of the not to mention comments. With obviously great intentions to comfort but knowing what to say by reading this has helped me so thank you ladies xxxx Nikki

• If one more person told me it wasn’t meant to be. I think I would have hit them. Karina

• i had one a few weeks back and my dr told me something that made sense…. he said ” look how many babies are born with serious problems, and your body decided this baby wasn’t healthy enough to live…. there must have been serious issues with it” Christine

• Don’t say at least you know you can get pregnant. We don’t want to get pregnant we want to BE pregnant and hold our babies. Jo

• I think the fact that no one really spoke of it made it harder for me. Felt like I was the only one dealing with a loss. Sometimes it’s nice to talk and I would have preferred ppl ask if I wanted to talk. Amanda

• Comments like Obviously there was something wrong Everything happens for a reason It wasn’t meant to be etc They don’t help!! Realising that this is something that you don’t just get over and the initial support is great but it’s the months afterwards that are the worst. Every time you get your period it’s a reminder, a flash back to what happened, pain Be there for the long haul not the short term Rebecca

• Don’t do what my friend did and say it’s not the same for you because you already have another child at home, it was a real slap in the face! Just listen to them and acknowledge the loss. Kath

• A simple hug goes a long way Michelle

• I had a friend come over, hand me her baby, pulled out a hot chicken, loaf of bread, milk, flowers and chocolate. She sat down and let me talk and cry. Best therapy ever. If u dont know what to say or do, offer to cook a meal… Because grief can be crippling. Or, offer to babysit any other kids so parents can go for medical appts, blood tests, curette… Whatever. And… Listen. Talking about it helps. Danielle

• People saying ‘well you can always try again…you can just get pregnant again…it wasn’t a real child’ all BROKE MY HEART. I think I really needed someone to acknowledge the love and bond I already had with the child I was growing, and the terrible feeling of guilt and grief I felt at ‘losing’ all the hopes and dreams I had for him or her. X Carolyn

• First time, My sister just showed up, said she’s sorry, gave me a big hug and let me cry on her shoulder… And then listened to me through my venting and grieving.  And a close friend sent a bunch of flowers, with a simple “thinking of you” note. Both gestures meant a lot. I agree with all the things people have said not to say.. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything apart from, “I’m here for you… Sorry this happened” etc. Jayne

• Checking up on that person in the weeks and months after it happens and letting them talk about it, the heartache for that person doesn’t end just because the curette is over Janae

• A cuppa, a shoulder and no judgment Paula

• First miscarriage…My Mother in law told me she wasn’t ‘ready’ to be a ‘Grandmother’ yet… Sadly, I had 5 miscarriages… Without the ‘Support’ of my ‘Beautiful’ Husband, Sister, Mum and Dad, I wouldn’t have been able to cope physically, mentally and emotionally…They were and still are my ‘Rock’… Rachel

• People need to be careful about what they say. Platitudes are hurtful and harmful but are often what the majority of people offer. Stillbirthday and Glow in the Woods websites offer comprehensive , guiding information for support people – family and friends. There is a video on you tube which Heidi Faith from Stillbirthday made about “what not to say”, it is worth watching, people may feel confronted if they have said some of these things but it is not intended to be judgemental or hurtful- rather to guide you away from unintentionally (with the best intentions) hurting people who have lost a child at any gestational age. Carolyn

• Ohhh hated the saying ‘ it was for the best as it wasn’t meant to be’ Marianne

• I had a very strange and rare situation with my loss but I found giving my baby a name and talking about it helped for me. Kathleen

• It’s one of those things that u just don’t know what to say unless u have been through it… and I have, and I don’t say anything to friends who tell me they have had or are going through it…I just pull them in for a hug and let them cry til they exhaust themselves… sometimes that’s all we need, someone to wipe our tears. The hurt and pain never goes away, it just gets more manageable… big hugs to all u precious ladies who have suffered this tremendous loss xox Cassie

• my sister in law gave us a box with a butterfly. we put a strand of both mine and hubbys hair in it and took it to the beach were we got engaged and threw it in the waves and said our goodbyes. . it actually helped.. Kylie

• i miscarried at 6weeks didnt find out until 8week a gf of mine was jelouse that i was pregnant and said to me i hope you loose it so i can be pregnant first! My partner at the time told me it wasnt a human until he or she was born but to me a heart beat is a life a human growing! He told me that been sad was a waste of time and i was been silly i went to hospital alone to get a clean out while he went to work he didnt care Louise

• People avoiding me or not talking to me because they didn’t know what to say. It made me feel so alone and like my babies didn’t matter to everyone else. I was so greatful for the people who did ask how I was and listened to me talk about whatever I felt like I needed to at the time. But yes being told it wasn’t meant to be and I could try again by everyone got very tiring, it didn’t make anything better. Ebony

• Omg was about to say the same thing cassie. It is the worst thing to say to soneone who just lost a baby. It was meant to be for me, I had hopes and dreams for that baby that never happened. Just let the person know your thinking of them and it sucks! Sarah

• I don’t think the words ‘you can try again’ would be much comfort either. Danielle

• I didn’t tell anyone when I miscarried all 4 times, only my partner and myself knew, it was easier for us to cope. Junie

• I didnt tell no family members. I wanted it that way. Only immediate family. I didnt want them to fuss about it. Natalie

• I hated ‘Well atleast you know you can get pregnant’ and all the other sayings other people have said. One of my most hated is ‘You are only given as much as you can handle’. I fell pregnant again after one cycle and didn’t feel happy or connected until I got past 12 weeks. My son was born with a rare birth defect at 35 weeks and we nearly lost him. He’s had 4 surgeries so far. People still say the above saying and I really want to punch them. My husband and I purchased a Hallmark tinkerbell Christmas decoration in memory of our loss and we purchase another decoration every year. Next year our son will be old enough to choose it. Verlie

• I seen a councilor, she got a hold of my medical records and I found out they buried my little girl, I was given a box of stuff like photos and feet and hand prints her weight and length, I was almost half way through my pregnancy and that help, getting all that stuff especially photos, the worst part was mum say I’m glad it was the baby and not my girl, cause I lost so much blood, I was airlifted away from my hometown to a hospital to get a blood transfusion but I lost my baby hope and I stop bleeding. It’s hard to forget when family or freinds say well I’m glad it happened and we didn’t lose you, and it hurts when all your freinds that were due around the same time as you say, you will have another, it’s almost 10 years now and still no baby, but it doesn’t bother me, I have a beautiful 3 year old niece and 9 month old nephew. It was hard when my niece come along, but my sister wanted me there and that did help. I only wish when they asked if I wanted to hold my baby and dress it, I wish I had of done that for closure but I was in too much shock. But every year I celebrate her birthday, it’s a day for tears and it helps Kim

• Hated the saying it wasn’t meant to be or it was gods way.Loved the fact that my Aunty bought me two white rose plants ( lost twins half way through pregnancy) so I could watch them grow Donna

• Don’t say ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘you can try again’ or any of that! Just be there to listen or give a hug. Kerri

• I think some people look at it a little more clinically than with emotion. I miscarried my 1st IVF baby who was desperately wanted . …. In saying that though I was able to get past it with the thought that it was easier to handle then welcoming a precious bub into the world to only loose it to something majorly wrong. As hard as it is….. Sometimes it is just natures way. I know that is exceptionally hard to hear and while I have now been blessed with my 2 beautiful babies you do still remember the little soul you didn’t get to hold in your arms. Arlene

• Just reading this brings back such grief and pain that never leaves…having people acknowledge our baby, acknowledge the raw crippling pain we went through…the pain we still go through every day. Just being there and allowing the tears, the grief, the silence…that what got us through. Sian

• Do not say “everything happens for a reason” or “at least you know you can get pregnant” this does not help! Just be there for the person and offer support Ann

• People say stupid things, but I had a “friend” say nothing at all. That killed me more. And am currently having my second threatened at present, however hoping for this best Emma

• It SO did not help when they said “oh well at least you know you can get pregnant!” uh yep Mardi

• The worst is when everyone pretends it didn’t happen. That is worse that some silly words, chosen out of uncomfortableness. Danielle

• Be there for the person – no matter how long the grieving process may take. A card and a small sentimental gift would be lovely. Mostly just listen – some women are ok with it, others grieve intensely – forget the usual ‘it was meant to be’, ‘gods will’ etc. I found a lot of my personal grief was not just the m/c but my vision of my lo’s life. Renee

• Here is the video http://youtu.be/_KB0u_bzpys Carolyn

What have family or friends done to help support you through a miscarriage?