Miscarriage support

Please forgive me if my words are insensitive today. Yesterday I had a scan and there’s no heartbeat. We are absolutely shocked and devastated.

What I’m struggling with is having to continue carrying our baby who is not alive until next week when I have a d&c. I feel like I’m not present. I have a belly, pregnancy symptoms and feel pregnant in all ways knowing baby is not alive. I am comfortable with my body recognising something was wrong so stopped the process…What I need advice on is how to get through the next week mentally. I find it foreign and strange to be walking around the shops with a baby that has no heartbeat and is not alive. Any tips please?

• I delivered my baby this morning after losing her heartbeat last Sunday at 17 weeks. It is the second time this has happened to me. It is strange and it’s horrible to see people going about their business while you are hiding your secret. My advise is not to go out unless you have to and to see these last few days with your baby safely tucked up inside you warm and snug as a last chance to say goodbye. Good luck x Louise

• I just went through this myself. I had my d&c a week ago after having to wait two weeks from time that I found out I was miscarrying. I want to say that I am sorry for the lose of your baby and it is a baby no matter how far along you were. Try to make yourself focus on anything else whether it be work, housecleaning, or other children. Allow yourself to morn and if you just break out in tears know that it is OK to cry. I am still having trouble everyday when I see the new babies in my family as my child would have been the next to be born. You did nothing wrong. Bring your mind to other things and cry when you need to, it does get easier and a little better after the d&c. Best of luck to you. Just stay strong. Anon

• I have been there and had to wait a week for D&C. At my appointment I told them to keep my miscarriage ( 9 weeks ) so when I got home I planted it in my garden and with a frangipani and a night light and it helped me heal faster. I have four frangipani plants and that one was the only one that flowered this year. Be kind to yourself x Win

• I went through the same thing last August. I was 12 weeks went in for our scan and told the devastating news. It’s bloody tough and heartbreaking.The only advice I can give you is be kind and gentle to yourself. Take time out to feel, to cry, to get angry get it all out. Lean on those special around you. You will get through this. Sending lots of love and light your way xx Vanessa

• Talk, scream, cry, yell this pain out. Don’t feel guilt if you’re angry at the world. And don’t allow anyone to tell you to move on etc. it’s all in your own time. SIDS and kids have a great helpline too. Much love x Claire

• I was 12 weeks and found out at the ultrasound. I had a m/c a week before Christmas last year and had to carry it for almost a month before I could get booked to have a d&c due to hospital staff shortages and closures at Christmas!! It sucks but knowing your body knows best. I had twins in this one and partial molar pregnancy scary yes but you do deal with it in your own time. 5 months later We are now due at Christmas time this year and I think this is a sign from it’s sibling that it’s mean to be! I know this won’t help much now but if your partner is supportive then tell him if not talk to your closest, mum sibling, friend, or a stranger with no judging but someone you need to share it. Anon

• Maybe look at it as a way to spend a last few days with your precious little one, imagine having no time to adjust or come to terms with it, at least this way you can spend a last few days caring for your baby, although they weren’t meant to be, they are still in your thoughts. It might feel weird but this way you can feel a type of peace instead of emptiness. Hope this makes sense. So sorry for your loss x Margaret

• look up pregnancy loss Australia (they are on Facebook) there’s not much that anyone can say that will help you through, but there is at least counsellors and women who have experienced the same thing to connect with…good luck and I am so sorry for your loss. Renee

• A similar situation happned to me and I also had to wait 4 long days while bleeding and knowing something was wrong until I could get an app for an ultrasound to be told my baby had no heartbeat I then was sent to the hospital and told to just wait as I would most likely loose the baby at home but if not I had to go back in for a quret ( not sure how it’s spelt) it’s hard enough loosing a baby but when you have to wait for it to leave your body it makes things very hard and emotionally confusing and heartbreaking! The only thing I found that helped me to heal was time and also talking to people that had been thru similar situations. You will never forget but it does get easier. My partner took me on a holiday to get away from everything which was nice. I now have two healthy kids. My mum also brought me a small plant and I planted it in my garden to remember my baby, the plant is now really big I always look at it  I also got an angel baby necklace with little footprints on it and the date of when my baby would of been born. Amy

• So heartbroken for you, I would try and see it as carrying your baby that’s fallen asleep inside you and having your last moments together as one xoxoxo Melinda

•  I’m going through exactly the same thing and I’m frustrated that the d&c couldn’t be performed asap. I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting for miscarriage. The advice I can offer is what I’m offering myself. Try and stay positive but allow yourself to grieve whenever the tears come. It’s an awkward and devastating limbo isn’t it. Big bear hugs to you and all the mums who are losing or have lost their little beans xxxo. Jodi

• This is the most horrible thing in the world to go through (I’ve had 4) and it will get better for now let yourself grieve for the lose of your baby have faith in yourself and your body…..the next week will be one of the hardest in your life but the week after will be worse….cry scream yell run do what ever you feel you need to to get through…..it will get better and you will be able to breath again I promise you. Ebony

• I’m so sorry for your loss. You may find it helpful to connect with SANDS www.sands.org.au
  They have a 24hr 7 day a week phone support service. Thinking of you x Fiona

• Sorry you have to go through this, i lost my son in 2010 but he was full term and died during labour so i didnt have to go through what you are so i have no advice on how to get through the week other than that you might not think it now but you will get through it and over time it will become easier to live with the pain. Its been almost 4 years and Ive had 2 healthy babies since then. Sending lots of strength your way x Kelly

• We found out at the 12 week scan that our baby had no heart beat. I was given the option to let things happen naturally, or have a d&c. I felt that I could not just carry on and wait and booked in for a d&c ASAP. Luckily I only had to wait 2 days. I don’t think I could have handled carrying on as if everything was normal, just waiting for things to happen. As we were doing IVF, I wanted to get straight back into it. Our next pregnancy it miscarried at 6 weeks. Because of the IVF, and wanting to just get on with things, I didn’t take the time to properly grieve, which was a big mistake. I ended up having a minor breakdown. I spent nearly two weeks in bed just crying. Trish

• I am so sorry for your loss.i lost a pregnancy before my eldest as a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. I only had to wait until the next day for a d&c, a week is just cruel. i wasnt given much advice at the time, but I found writing a poem for the bub helped me get through some emotional moments. Definitely ask for another scan before they do the d&c just in case heartbeat wasnt picked up this time ( can happen if you are early into the pregnancy.). Bec

• So sorry hun. I lost my first child at 9 weeks I was devastated everyone deals with things in their own way I couldnt get out of bed for two days I cried and cried then aftee that I forced myself to keep busy. You just get through one day at a time. As I was under 12 weeks they didnt do a d & c I had to wait for it to happen naturally which was really hard. 5 months later I fell pregnant again the pregnancy was hard mentally as I was fearful the whole time of losing bub again but I didnt and now I have a happy healthy baby. My heart goes out to you, its something you never get over but learn to live withxxxx Claire

• I went through this also I lost my baby at. 12 weeks no heartbeat I was told that baby’s heart stopped at 7weeks so my body carried long after took a while for me to not feel pregnant. My heart goes out to you just go with how you feel don’t hide it cry as much as you want. You may not have to wait a week your body may take over mine did wasn’t easy either as my partner was deployed to Afghanistan at the time. Sending you prayers I’m so sorry for your loss. Ally

• I feel for you .. I was 20 weeks when the exact same thing happened to me .. It is a very strange feeling but celebrate the love you have for your little baby . Things happen for a reason and this is gods way of letting us know that its not bubs time yet to come into this world . Huge hugs and kisses for you from a stranger who totally understands xx Jo

• Be kind to yourself and only surround yourself with ppl that will b supportive. All your feelings are normal, just remember this is not your fault. And anyone that says this is happening for a good reason is insensitive. Don’t let anyone diminish your feelings of loss. Remember that you know you can get pregnant (unlike some that cant get pregnant at all) so if you chose to later on, you can try again. Nicki

•  Very normal feelings. Accept them as normal and necessary. Write a letter to your baby, let him or her know how you feel about them. Xxxxxxx if you tell others, you will get support. Fiona

• I carried my baby for 3 weeks after he/she stopped growing without any symptoms alerting me of a problem. Then too had to wait a week for my d&c as my body didnt reject my baby. Im sorry ur going through a loss also. Just think how lucky we are to have an angel above and to have been chosen to carry him/her even if for a short time ♡ Margarita

• I feel your pain… I went thru this last year… Found out on Xmas eve and had to wait til after Xmas for procedure.. Whatever you feel is the correct thing… Follow your own pain and feelings.. Do what makes you heal.. Just know that you will get thru it and possibly it wasn’t the right time for you and is making way for soul that on its way… Best of luck! My heart is with you. Elizabeth

• I had the same experience pregnant with twins. At 12 week scan no heartbeat for either. Shock, numbness, and devastation was the majority of emotions that followed the moment, hours, days and weeks after. I was informed that I had miscarriaged but there was no bleeding or any warning other signs. Someone said to me that miscarriages are natures way of getting rid of something that wasn’t right. It was what I needed to hear. It resonated with me and absolutely became my enlightened moment and the start of my healing process. Hopefully you can have some comfort in these words too. Best of luck. Chauie

•  I have been through this twice, the third time I didn’t get to the d&c. Sometimes it is the foggy feeling that helps the time pass quicker. Talk when you need to talk, cry when you need to cry, allow yourself to grieve. Avoid the well meaning “it’s for the best” advisers. So sorry for your loss xx Kristy

• Allow yourself to cry. Make sure u take photo’s of your belly to remember. I now have a beautiful 3yr old and another due in a few weeks. U will never forget though. Michelle

• I went through the same thing in march its very hard I found I had to let my emotions out I was angry cause I still had to carry a baby that wasn’t alive I just wanted it out I was sad for a while after don’t keep it in let ur partner no how you are feeling and ignore people who say everything happens for a reason that was the last thing I wanted to hear after our loss big hugs xox Jessica

• I went through this, except I was 30 weeks. It was picked up on the Friday, my GP told me he would organise everything. He rang me on the Sunday night to tell me to be at the next major town hospital 8 am Monday morning for induction (over 20 wks you give birth and it’s registered as a still birth)I spent all Friday and the weekend in bed crying.
  I moped around for the rest of that week. The following week my partner made me get up and do things for the other kids. They kept me focused. U still need a bit of me time to grieve. I also spent a lot of time in the garden.  There is pregnancy loss and bears of hope who both have fb pages. U can also google still birth and heaps comes up. I’m sorry for your loss. Melissa

• I have been where you are many times! It is heartbreaking and I know the exact feelings you are feeling now! Nothing anyone says or does can change how you feel! Just tAke it easy! I’m sorry for your loss! I joined some miscarraige support groups on Facebook and that helped me a lot! Lee

• i’ve had one miscarriage and one tubular pregnancy. we will never forget, but we can heal enough to carry on. since then God blessed me with four healthy beautiful children. i pray that God WILL give you your hearts desire(s). prayers are with you. Anna

• I struggled and am still struggling with the same very recently. I have found no piece of advise to help and have realised time is the only way to heal from this loss. We were taken by surprise also, but decided to let nature take it’s course at home, it’s hard but one thing we as women can confirm from this is that our bodies are doing their job , even though it feels so unfair right now. Good Luck and keep talking with your partner and family, dont hold in your feelings. Rhiannon

• Sadly I have miscarried 10 times . 1 was just before Xmas 2011 and I had to wait over a week for d and c because doctor wanted to confirm through bloods baby was really gone  no words can take away your pain . There’s no right way to deal with this . Please talk n lean on family friends to help get you through this devasting time . Please inbox me if u need an understanding ear . Sending u love light and strength today n always. Belle

• I had the same thing happen 3 years ago. I was extremely ill with morning sickness which made it hard knowing it was for “no reason”. I really don’t have any advice for you except to say I’m so sorry and hang in there! Seeing no heartbeat on that screen when you still have all the symptoms so are not expecting that news is devastating. Sending lots of love. Kate

• So sorry to hear this. The same thing happened to me late last year just before 12 weeks. I also remember walking through my local shops and thinking about the fact that I was carrying a deceased child. It was a very surreal feeling, but like you, I had to wait a few days for the D&C. I think you just get through it because you have to. Try and find things to occupy yourself. Otherwise, can you bring it forward? I think recognising that nature has taken over for a reason as you have done is a great first step and I think really helped my husband and I. Best of luck. I suspect you will feel better quite quickly after the D&C because you will be able to start moving on. Ambre

• Firstly sending hugs ……. The best advice I got was let yourself feel and go through any emotion you are feeling… Anger, sadness…… try and keep yourself busy and remember to grieve when your ready…… Take a deep breath when you need it, it’s hard and emotional but time helps. I tried to avoid new mums as much as possible ( yes hard I know) for that week and a couple after to be honest as I just found it too hard….. Good luck and YOU CAN get through the next week just breath……… Kelly

• I went through the same thing about 2.5 years ago and had to carry it for 2 weeks as it was during a busy Christmas period. My body hadn’t recognised that the baby had died (I think they called it a “missed miscarriage”), I still felt pregnant. There isn’t really anything I can say to help you get through the week. Just know that you are not alone and yes it’s very sad. I know exactly how you are feeling and time will help xx Nat

• So sorry to hear. There is a book by Zoe Taylor called pregnancy loss which is fantastic, target sells it. Hope you get through ok xx Leanne

• I’m so sorry for your loss, we went through the same thing recently. It was an absolute emotional rollercoaster of emotions for us, times if acceptance and times of denial, I chose to cry ALOT, mostly in private as I didn’t want our 2yr old to see mummy upset. As im writing this I’m in tears and feel for you and what you will go through in the next couple of weeks, good luck Hun thinking of you x Lisa

• Such a devastating thing to happened. We were on top of the world excited for our scan to get the news that literally crushed us. My body did what it needed to do naturally before a d&c which I mentally and physically think helped me to accept it had definitely ended. Thoughts are with you. It’s horrible to be made to wait. Stay strong x Kim

• I went through this last year. I was told no heart beat at 10 weeks and I would have to have a d&c the following week. My body did what it needed to do over the weekend and I was so glad. I totally understand how you feel. It’s such a strange and awful feeling. Remember that it’s ok to feel how you are feeling. Arnya

• I went through the same thing with my first daughter, it is so hard. I was 10 weeks pregnant and as it was a missed they where able to do genetic testing which showed it was a girl but they could find no reason which I think has made it harder. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, I don’t think there is really a way to feel better mentally for quite some time even if you are able to get the d&c done straight away you will still feel numb and not there. I wish I could give you a way to cope but I just don’t know. I’m so sorry xx Melanie

• My heart hurts for you, after losing a little girl in second trimester I had to wait 24 hours – I can only imagine how difficult a week is. I had to collect my children from school, people looking at me as my face was a wreck from crying. Please reach out for help it will get you through. And keep busy as I remember waiting for the pathology for why this happened and it felt so long. Also people will say dumb stuff, they don’t know what to say so silly things come out of their mouths. Sending much love to you mama. Elizabeth

• If you need any help or would love a gown for your angel these are the precious people who will help you xx https://m.facebook.com/angelgownsaustralia Shar

What are your tips to help while waiting for a D&C?