Baby Hints & Tips

Telling friends who have miscarried or trying to conceive you are pregnant

announcing pregnancy to someone who miscarriedI’ve just found out I’m pregnant. How do I tell my friends that have either recently miscarried or those who have been trying for years to conceive?

  • Having been on the other end of this I can say I was always happy for my friends/family but it did hurt a little too. A lot of my friends would tell me in private before publicly announced so I was prepared in front of others (which I really respected and appreciated). They usually acknowledged how unfair it was that I was finding it so hard and deserved to be (& would be a great) mum. The fact you are asking advice shows what a considerate friend you are and I’m sure your friends will appreciate your tact in telling them Hope this helps and Congratulations! Such an exciting time for you Michelle
  • If their your friends they will be happy for you regardless Jade
  • First of congratulations! As someone whom has struggled in the past with fertility, being honest and telling them yourself is your best bet. They know what a gift a child is and they will be happy for you. The only thing I will say is if they are a little reserved in their excitement don’t take it personally, it is a battle within themselves not an issue with you at all! Stephanie There is alot of people on here saying they are not real friends if they aren’t 100% happy. Cleary you have never suffered loss or difficulty whilst friends get pregnant around you (easily or quickly) Its hard to hear when friends get pregnant after trying for so long and then after loss. You need to understand that they they are hurting and are most likely extremely happy for you but also possibly unable to show this outwardly because of their own pain. Be patient with them and have some empathy and compassion. I would tell them privately without coming across like rubbing it in. Troy
  • You just tell them…you can’t be responsible for the way someone else deals with things or reacts in their life. I’m 34 weeks pregnant now after having a surprise natural spontaneous pregnancy after trying for 12.5 years. I have and will always be happy for anyone who is blessed with a pregnancy and children. Be happy for yourself and send positive thoughts and energy to those who are having a difficult time. Sending you lots of love for a wonderful pregnancy xo Natalie
  • Be open and honest I tried for 2 years with a partial molar pregnancy before I got my daughter everyone around me got pregnant and it killed me when It came from others… Currently been trying again for 17 months with 2 miscarries and in that time most my friends have conceived and given birth they all were honest and open and told me straight away just avoid saying things like “it wasn’t planned” or “didn’t expect it to happen so quickly” and the one I hate the most “it will happen for you” I was happy for all my mates… They can’t stop their families because I can’t complete mine.. Congratulations Tegan
  • I think this is a really thoughtful question..my husband & I tried for yrs to get pregnant & also experienced miscarriages..meanwhile my gf’s were falling easily & having beautiful babies..I really appreciated them telling me personally & just taking the time to consider my feelings..of course I was nothing but excited for them & would hate to think my struggles would damper such a special time in their lives..now I have a beautiful son so it’s happiness all round!! Hayley
  • Everyone saying “they’re not your friends if they aren’t 100% happy, have maybe never felt the pain of losing a child. I lost 2 and while i was very happy when friends told me their news, it is a complete and utter lie to say it didn’t sting my heart a little. Amanda
  • Coming from someone ttc and recently lost a baby please do not send them a pic of the pregnancy test!! And wait a few weeks to tell them, no need to tell them the day you found out. They will be happy for you but expect them to be sad for themselves! Becky
  • What a thoughtful question! As someone who is pregnant for the first time right now as a result of ivf I can say it can sometimes be hard to hear other people announce their pregnancies if you’ve been trying for years & years. I suggest you tell your friends face to face, if you can, and individually. It can be hard to hear it announced at a party or Xmas or something like that, even though they will be happy for you, it can still be heartbreaking. Telling them individually also shows how much you love them as well and gives them a chance to show you how happy they are for you. Melanie
  • I’ve been on the receiving end so many times and no matter how much I loved, liked or respected the person, it’d feel like a stake through the heart every single time.
  • Private is best and I agree with doing it over the phone. That way the person can deal with their emotions privately. Sandra
  • I think its also ok to say to them, I understand if you can’t be happy for me right now and offer them some time or space if they need it, without being offended or taking it personally yourself. Good friends give and take equally and after dealing with their own demons, will be there to share your joy. As happy as real friends will be for you, I thinks its also respectful and kind to acknowledge their feelings in that it may be hard news for them to hear at first. But don’t take it on too much, youre allowed to relish in happiness and your growing bump. It shows you are a considerate friend by just being so thoughtful! All the best! Emma
  • God it’s the hardest thing in the world. I told my sister in law even before my husband I was so upset. Her and my brother had been trying for months and I was still on the pill. I went to her first because I wanted her to know that I didn’t do it on purpose or to upset her. I still felt horrible because they wanted it so much. But I wasn’t going to hide it because that would have hurt her more. Chantelle
  • Having struggled with infertility for years it hurts more when people don’t tell you. Be open and honest. They will be upset so let them be, they may or may not cry or not want to acknowledge you or your baby. Let them, they’re in pain. They will come around, be supportive and gently ask for return support. it’s difficult. Congratulations to you, I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy! Sarah
  • It took me 14 years to fall pregnant the first time and then I miscarried, what I found easier was people telling me their good news, not one inch of me ever felt bad about them telling me and I did feel really happy for them. What I really disliked was people tip toeing around me, made me feel uncomfortable and them as well Cindy
  • Be open and honest, I was in the same boat when i conceived my now 11mth old. My sisters been trying for a baby for ages without any luck, but she was still happy for me. Its hard, but not being up front could be worse. Mandy
  • I have struggled with infertility for a few years and am still yet to conceive. A few friends have fallen pregnant in this time and I felt so bad when i learned that they were anxious to tell me. It is wonderful when someone is pregnant. Does it make me sad for me? Yes. But it doesn’t make me feel anything negative towards them. But as said above if you don’t get squeals of delight don’t take it personally. Amy
  • I went through the same thing. I wrote a list of people I wanted to tell before we went public. Told them and then once everybody we wanted to know knew text them and told them they could share our news if they wished Gemma
  • Congratulations, just be honest and up front. Don’t let them hear your wonderful news from anybody else. I had a miscarriage and then found out my sister and best friend were both pregnant it was hard and I had a lot of jealous moments but I coped. I now have 2 beautiful kids. Best of luck with your pregnancy x Ashling

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  1. Tamara says:

    Wow! Some comments on here, you can tell came from people with either no respect for others, or very fertile friends.

    Congrats and thank you for being so thoughtful.

    Your friends with fertility issues will hurt regardless of how you tell them. I assure you they will be so happy for you, just hurt for themselves, and even a little jealous of you.

    Timing is everything. Call them or catch up with them and see how they are doing. Your can tell them once you know they haven’t just had a failed IVF or aren’t having a horrid day. The last thing you want it to add salt to open wounds.

    The only other advice I would give is regarding pregnancy complaints. Many of us will understand that being pregnant isn’t always the greatest of pleasures, but many of us also don’t see that, especially if we haven’t been pregnant. Knowing how your friend thinks on this issue will be helpful. My friend always used to cover up the severe issues and pain she was experiencing through her pregnancy to protect me, but pulled her up on it and told her to stop it. Our friendship could not be a friendship of hiding. But not all women will understand that no matter much they want a baby, you are still allowed to complain about how young are feeling too.

    Be real, be honest, be open, but also be open to her saying she doesn’t want to hear it. I assure you it is very isolating and very very hard to deal with, but we do manage.

X