Baby Hints & Tips

Dealing with comments about who baby looks like when using donor sperm

looks-when-using-a-donorWe are a lesbian couple of 9years. We have been ttc for 9 cycles now. My fiancé is the one that will be carrying. We have decided to use my brother as a donor. When it comes to questions down the line from others about how much the baby looks like me when I didn’t carry, what would you say? Tell the truth? Or act as if the donor just looked like me? I’m comfortable with the decision but I don’t ever want my child picked on or thought less of.

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  •  I’d just say “well they are my child!” And leave it at that. It’s no one else’s business anyway!   Claire
  • Let your child know the truth. I think it’s wonderful your brother donating so you and your partner can have a baby.    Kirraleigh
  • Your baby, your choice as to how you handle it. Personally I think it’s lovely that your baby will have a family resemblance, and have a genetic link to both of you.   Emma
  • I would just say………. just lucky I guess you don’t have to explain yourself !! all the best for a happy healthy baby.   Lisa
  • My partner and I (also lesbians), have a little girl, I’m the bio mum but people often say our lo looks like her, but our donor is no relation. We say that babies are like chameleons and change to look like their surroundings! Don’t worry what others say, but I’d say thanks, it’s cool that she looks like both of us!   Joey
  • ‘Thank you’ should suffice.   Taya
  • I think this is wonderful and I agree- how amazing on your bros behalf! I agree with it not being anyone’s business tho I do think it will be your child’s business. I think if you speak about it openly and honestly within your family, it won’t be weird or unusual!   Fiona
  • You say what ever you both as a couple decide on & both are comfortable with… At the end of the day it’s no ones business how your child was conceived.. We don’t go around asking heterosexual couple how their babies were conceived or whom by so why should we for same sex couples…. It’s your biz & no one else’s.   Sherree
  • I think I would tell the truth… As long as it wasn’t donated by your brother and YOU were carrying!! Lol   Melissa
  • That’s completely up to you based on your comfort level in the situation. Some people you will feel comfortable telling, others you will want to rip their throat out. I would have a “script” planned out for generic cases, something like “funny how nature vs nurture works” or similar. Your family. Your business. P.s. Your brother must be awesome, to do such a wonderful thing for his sister….Fiona
  • I am adopted. As is my brother. No biological relation to each other or our parents but people have often remarked how much we look alike or like our parents. It doesn’t matter where your baby comes from, it’s going to pick up expressions and quirks from you that will remind others of you. There is no need to explain anything to anyone if you don’t want to.   Kara
  • I’d tell anyone proudly. Your brothers an awesome man!   Emily
  • Congrats on your decision! There will always be people who judge. That says more about them than your child and your family dynamic. I think if you are comfortable and happy with your decision and communicate that to your child they will be well adjusted. I wouldn’t hide their heritage like its shameful. Your brother has done this for you out of love. Good luck.     Nicolee
  • Just say what any couple says when they say your child looks like you. “Thankyou” or “the good looks came from me”. You dont need to explain yourself anyone else. You are no different to any one else. People are going to judge no matter what you say. When the time comes it will all just role off your tongue naturally. So just look forward to the most amazing journey and dont let these things worry you.   Kerryn
  • When u pick a donor it is with consideration to ur own traits or ur partners traits anyway so that I think doesn’t matter we have 3 children all from the same donor and the donor has traits of myself and me partners. There will be harder questions to answer than about traits. I believe tell the truth and ur child will never have any hatred towards you. A child who is bought up with NO lies is less likely to worry and have doubts about themselves and being picked on. Love ur child, care for ur child and give them the very best and u can never go wrong. Goodluck and don’t doubt urself cause others have an opinion.    Erin
  • Just thank them for saying they look like you and leave it as that simple.   Kylie
  • Whatever your decision, make sure you consult with your brother first. Good luck , and a big high five for your brother for giving you guys a gift like this. X   Katie
  • Nobody’s business… the people who matter to you will most likely know the truth and the rest… who cares?! Just smile and nod Same thing when I’m out with my step daughter, people say “Gee she looks like her mum” (assuming it’s me) and I don’t feel the need to tell them my life story and tell them she’s not my daughter, I don’t agree, nor disagree…. Just let people say what they want to!   Michelle
  • I would think it would depend on what your brother would like you to say. If he’s happy with any decision you make, I’d be super proud that your brother is so awesome and shout it from the rooftops! Maybe explain to bub “we took a little from both your Mummy’s families to make you” and love bub til you explode. Sounds like you’re going to make brilliant parents – enjoy.   Rebecca
  • How wonderful that you have such a fitting donor! That’s great of your brother. Personally, I believe in the truth. Kids are quite switched on even from a young age, and they will know they are different because they have 2 mums rather than a mum & dad. So tell them about their origin with pride and integrity and love, and they will never feel ashamed or awkward about it. When kids know who they are and have confidence in that, no amount of being picked on will ever get to them. X   Vanessa
  • I’d just say thank you unless it’s someone you want to share the info with. I’d talk to your brother about his position as well. What an exciting way to have a baby! It brings tears to my eyes. What a special brother you have!   Colene
  • How special that your little one will have a genetic link to both mummy’s! Celebrate it, anyone who would judge you badly for something like that isn’t worth being around!   Jordana
  • There’s nothing to be ashamed of, as long as your brother agrees, tell the truth my partner donated to my sister whom is a lesbian and I couldn’t be prouder and more open about our choices the times have changed.   Heather
  • I think the truth is awesome! Anyone who thinks otherwise is too narrow minded. If someone told me your story I would get goosebumps at how special it is – I did when I read it! Wishing you the best of luck with conception and beyond. Xx   Carla
  • I have been with my partner for 16 yrs and we have an 8 yr old son which I carried and another on the way which she is carrying. People comment on how he looks like her and has some of her traits. Let others think what they want. As long as you both are happy you don’t have to explain to anyone. Our son is not picked on as far as we know for having 2 mums.   Leanne
  • Its nobody’s business but your’s…..you dont need to explain yourself to anyone ! Just enjoy the gift of life and don’t worry about the nitty gritty bits about how it was made If you feel you need to say something, then say “Its a LOOOONG story” and leave it at that.    Danika
  • Sounds fantastic to me. Good luck and hope you have a baby in your arms really soon. I’d be honest with your child when they are old enough to understand. Anyway, by 2027 (which is probably when your child starts year 7) families will come in all shapes and sizes, maybe his/her story will be the norm!   Elana
  • Say thankyou:) and leave it at that.   Christine
  • Sorry I have no idea what you should say….but I really want to wish you all the best for you & your future family xoxox     Sarah
  • People are too judgemental. I agree, say your just lucky cause it’s none of their business. You will share this information with people you love and trust, that’s all that matters.   Mel
  • First thing ,a great gift. Second you don’t know who bubs will look like , I am a , I’ll say middle aged heterosexual female, long past having kids. One of my kids looks like me one looks his father. And it doesn’t matter. People have always thought they were twins ,and yet they are 20 months apart in age and only look slightly similar. People will always see what they want to.Live your lives, don’t care about who they look like. Be the best parent you can be , that’s all that matters. Good luck to you both. I think you can conquer anything you set you mind to x      Judy
  • Just say thankyou to the stranger but tell your child the truth.    Alison
  • No reason to explain, your going to have a beautiful baby…enough said.   Kat
  • Slightly of topic. But from a straight person to a gay couple I applaud u! U r bringing a child into a world of guaranteed love. They can not be accidentally conceived. So many people need to realise that when bagging same sex parents verses ‘normal’ families.   Sheri
  • As long as you are loving parents I don’t think your child will care at all. Just be honest & tell them you wanted them so much you did all this just to get them! If people complement you by saying the baby looks like you just say thank you! Remember the people that matter don’t mind & the people who mind don’t matter! In this day & age I don’t think you need to worry about your child being picked on because you used an egg donor. Families come in all different shapes & sizes there is no ‘normal’ anymore. Some kids have two mums – mum & a step mum. Some have siblings not related by blood but siblings all the same. Who cares!! If you love & care for each other your family & that’s all that matters. Good luck getting pregnant!!   Aster
  • I think it’s lovely your brother is donating so there’s some of your family DNA in there, such a lovely idea! I’d be honest about it, it’s great your brother donated. If ppl are asking, I’d say it will be because they’re genuinely interested and supportive. Anyone else doesn’t deserve your breath anyway x   Carolyn
  • Let me just say good on you both!! Having a child is precious gift, and hats of to your brother for doing such a great selfless deed As to telling people dw it’s none of their god dam business And if u do wanna tell people then tell the truth and be bloody proud to do so cuz ur so lucky to have a brother like that!!! Good luck and all the best.   Tiffany
  • When people say my son looks like me, I usually reply ‘yep he’s a good looking kid’ with a smile!   Ceri
  • see what they want to see anyway so tell them whatever makes you happiest. You could have a child that looks nothing like either parent yet people still manage to see a ‘spitting image’. Good luck with the ttc, hope you’re successful soon!   Kelsie
  • Easiest and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your family.   Danie
  • As long as your family know the truth of the situation what does it matter what anyone else thinks & how is a stranger going to know you didn’t carry or that you chose a donor with your attributes (which you obviously have)? If they are someone close to you they aren’t going to judge or treat you/your child differently & if they aren’t that close then I guess it’ll be a case of you going with your gut feelings to tell you how much to share.     Caroline
  • I’d say “Aw, thanks!”     Destiny
  • Why would anyone other than your immediate circle (who obviously already knows the details) need to know or judge about how the baby was carried? But having said that I think it’s a wonderful idea! Your child will be carried by your fiancé but also have your family genes! No shame at all in telling people that!!!    Angie
  • Tell the truth, kids understand and accept more than we give them credit for.   Yvonne
  • Good for you!!! It’s you’re decision don’t worry about what everyone else says. You’re child will be brought into this world with loving & caring parents.   Marie
  • Thank you or, ” I can’t take all the credit, look at his other beautiful mum”. I love that you will be genetically linked to the bub, lucky ladies.   Elaine
  • The truth. You have nothing to hide as love has no boundaries. Good luck xxxxx be proud as you should be judged for who you are not who you choose to love. And it’s your business and. No one else’s.     Monique
  • That your child, as they grow, will find that immensely wonderful too. I would be truthful for that reason.   Michelle
  • Congrats! Hope that you have a healthy baby – that’s all that matters not random strangers opinions of your family.   Marrissa

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