Dear Woolworths
Firstly let me say I do actually enjoy grocery shopping. As a mother, doing the weekly food shop without two screaming children is almost akin to being on holiday. When child-free I particularly like your stores that have the Sushi Bar and Espresso Coffee, this is the kind of stuff that makes a mummy’s skirt blow right up. Add some catchy mid 90’s tunes and you will surely find me humming as I reach for the family-sized Weetbix. I’m a foot-tapping, flat-white sipping, trolley-pushing gal with a smile on her face.
What doesn’t make me smile is #morebloodycards. Yes you know what I mean. #dominostars. First it was the animal cards. Then character cards. And then the Christmas animal cards. And others. Call them repressed memories…. My kids dig them. They dig them on the lounge room floor, in the car, in their beds and in small zippered pockets of pants destined for the washing machine. On a positive note, your cards are largely waterproof on a cold-wash cycle. That saved me replacing the Dreamworks series Kungfu Panda on several occasions.
You have done this to me. I’ve become that kind of mother that posts call outs on social media for the cards my children need to complete their sets. Not because I want to be that kind of person. Largely to make them stop asking if we can go to Woolies. Of course, with two children in the household, yet only one spot for their adorable names on the inside cover of the Series #229 Animal Card Binder we are now a ‘dual-collector-card-set’ family. Well played, Woolworths, well played.
Then came the cheery brand extension that is the animal noise machine. As a result I’m undoubtedly smarter but also suffering a kind of repetative-noise-induced-mania. I now know what the call of the Atlantic Puffin (#165) is like, yet I’ve also heard the yowl of the White Nosed Saki (#180) so many times that I may just be forced to run it over with my car if I ever by chance encounter one. I’d certainly be able to identify it just by it’s sound. Saki’s are likely endangered, so at minimum I’ve instead fantasised about rolling my tires slowly and repeatedly over that little yellow noise maker. Forget Fifty Shades, breaking that thing into tiny pieces is the real mummy porn. Be gone you little peace-destroyer. But in truth I know my dreams of conveniently hiding / losing / maiming it would only mean another trip to your doors. And, yep, those little things were a sell out you clever buggers. I’d then be turned to the murky eBay grey market and really who knows how much a ‘Sealed never used Woolworths animal noise maker’ could go for? ($55 actually. I looked. Ain’t nobody got time for that.)
So here we are. The flat whites are nice. The sushi is delish. The ability to shop alone whilst listening to Blue’s one-hit-wonder ‘Signed Sealed Delivered’ is almost bliss. But if you release ONE MORE COLLECTOR SET I’m headed to the joint with the orange logo. It’s an issue of mummy-sanity. Not just for me. For about three million of us across the nation.
Yours in no-longer-collecting-this-shiz
(until someone at school has them anyway)
Victoria
PS – I’m still looking for Green Card #14 and Blue #26 if you have them, I’d be most obliged. #hookamotherup
About the Author: Victoria Louis is a 30-something, stay at home mother based in Sydney, NSW. When she’s not being Mummmmmmmmy you may find her working as Editor for Baby Hints & Tips, which makes her feel a little like her ‘old self’. By that she means that person before she traded the high heels for ballet flats and meetings for park play dates. Victoria likes taking photos, gripping dramas, cooking and glossy interiors magazines. She’s full of opinions, big on kindness and believes the day is always better with a dash of lipstick.
