By Lou Kenny
It’s a well-established fact amongst people who know me that I am an idiot.
One of my greatest hits was the situation now formally known as “Milk Leg”. I slipped in something in the cold section of Coles and tumbled into that shelf thing where they have the milk. I was stuck in there, ass in the air and legs akimbo, until I managed to squirm my way out in front of a surprisingly large audience. The term ‘’Milk Leg” was coined by my brother-in-law who used it to describe the odd limp that I developed for several weeks as the result of my frantic kicking.
It was once thought that nothing could top “Milk Leg” – but then I had a child. One of the best things about having a child is that you have a captive audience for your idiocy. And believe me when I say that I know how to perform.
One of my favourite things to do is to change the lyrics of songs to be about the baby. I used to do this to the dogs but they are small, fast and capable of escaping. All my kid can do at the moment is roll and squeal. I choose to interpret these as squeals of approval.
There are many songs on rotation but my husband’s particular favourite is my reworking of the modern-day classic, Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca”. Here’s the clip if you need a refresher:
I’m not going to give you all of the lyrics (I need to protect my intellectual property and dignity) but some of the key lines are:
- She’ll make you take your nappy off and go dancing in the rain. She’ll make you live her baby life but she’ll take away your pain like Bonjella to your brain.
- Woke up in New York City in a funky cheap hotel – she took my heart and she took my dummy, she must’ve slipped me a good bottle. (You need to pronounce bottle so it rhymes with hotel and you look like more of a fool for this to work properly)
I’d now like to apologise for getting this song irretrievably stuck in your head; but spare a thought for me at our Gymbaroo classes when we’re asked to share with the class what songs our babies enjoy and I sing out a tuneless reworking of Bohemian Rhapsody while the other mothers roll their eyes at me yet again.
Lou Kenny is a 31 year old first time mother. She lives in Melbourne with her darling baby, long-suffering partner and two needy, ridiculous dogs. To see all of Lou’s articles, click here.