My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and recently welcomed a beautiful baby boy but now having relationship problems after having kids. The past few weeks we have been arguing everyday, and we just don’t get along like we used to. He thinks I am arguing or criticizing everything he does, but really I am just asking him questions in a nice tone. I feel like I don’t love him any more. Has anyone else been through this?
- Welcoming a new member to the family & your relationship is a HUGE transition for everyone. Communication has never failed & is the key to making life easier. The love is still there but you have gone through a lot of physical & emotional changes that he probably doesn’t understand if you haven’t talked to him about how you’re feeling.
Give him tasks/jobs to do around the home & with Bub but don’t say how to do it or how you want it done, just let him do it his way unless he asks. It’s important for guys to get their bonding time with Bub just as much as it is for us. & remember to try to make time for you both, I know it’s hard, I feel like I hardly get time with my hubby since my baby boy came along, but we make a point of getting up at the same time every morning, having dinner together & bathing the Bub together. Hope I’ve helped, good luck. Jen
- This happens to pretty much everyone, it’s normal. You’re both sleep deprived, which makes everything seem 100 times worse then it is. You’ll both need to just take time for yourselves, as well as a couple. Explain things slowly to each other. Take time to understand each other’s point of view. Be ready to apologise and listen. This goes for both of you. The first 12 weeks are the hardest, it’s like your walking through a haze, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I won’t promise you it will be perfect after the 12 weeks but it’ll be much better. I have an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old and in the past 6 months I’ve thought maybe I didn’t love my partner anymore, each time I sat down and talked it out and it turned out each time it was because we weren’t spending enough time as a couple, so look after yourself and look after each other. Jude
Date nights to focus on your relationship
- My partner and I had “date nights” sometimes we would go out. Others just spend quality time at home together. Just us. It really helped us to have our own time and keep our heads on straight. Kristin
- Have you guys tried having a date night. Things do change dramatically once you have a baby. It’s hard on both of you. Sometimes having some time out is all you need. Amy
- It can happen. You are both undergoing huge life change by having a baby. Me and my partner argue all the time since having our 2 and 1 year old. Date night or some mummy pamper time is great. Kelly
- Along with date night once a month we also have technology free time a few times a week where the kids are in bed and we turn the tv/phones whatever off and just talk. With so much available technology these days we found it was getting in the way of us just talking to each other. Hannah
- It happens to so many of us. It’s a massive massive change and especially for the male because you now have to focus your attention on your bub.
Date nights are def a good idea because you do loose yourself to being just a “mum” and forgetting you are also a partner, lover, best friend to someone else. It’s tough but hang in there, and make some you time and some couple time! Felicity
- It’s so hard to say exactly as everyone relationship is different. Most likely case you are both tired as hell & adjusting to being a threesome rather than just a ying & yang. Things will settle down as Bub gets out of that new born phase & you both will too.
Is it possible to have date nights/lunch/ anything just the two of you for a few hours? Communication is also so important.
I’m sure you will absolutely work through this adjustment! 12 years is a long time & your love is just changing. Jay
- It’s a big change to your life, you don’t get that quality alone time anymore and everyone is a lot more tired and highly strung! Becomes very easy to snap at each other and feel like the other person is attacking you when you already doubt yourself about how good a parent you are, perfectly natural at the beginning! Its easy to feel a bit neglected once the baby arrives and becomes the number one priority. I would definitely recommend finding a baby sitter, heading out for a nice dinner or something (not a movie, something where you can talk) and just focus on each other for an evening. Good luck, hang in there it will get better! Jade
Councillor to help manage relationship issues after kids
- I would suggest seeing a councillor. It is helpful to have a mediator who can bridge the gap between you and your husband. It’s not uncommon for a baby to add extra stress to a relationship. It can also be very hard to see things from each other’s perspectives without getting offended or emotional. Serena
- I agree with the above go on a date night or even a hour away with just the 2 off you doing something you 2 used to enjoy together or see a relationship counsellor it is hard on relationships with a newborn wishing you all the best. Renee
Stick it out, it gets better
- This happened to us when we had our first and again for our second I found the only thing was sticking it out and the love comes back kids make it hard on everyone everything changes and most men take a while to adjust. Kirsten
Allow him to parent his way
- When he is helping with bub, just let them be. Let him work out how to be dad. If he helps with anything in any way just say thanks. Don’t offer suggestions or ask why he did it that way and definitely don’t say next time do it this way. As long as bub is safe of course. Ask him about his day at work and listen. A great time to do this is while bub is feeding so he isn’t interrupting. Just some suggestions. Couple’s counselling is also a great idea. Susannah
Post natal depression (PND) in dads
- There is such a thing as PND in fathers my ex partner had it he just became really nasty then turned on our son. Nicole
- This might sound crazy but can you try recording your interactions on your phone and then playing them back later? We are trying to teach our aspie girl about how her tone of voice makes a big difference to the meaning of the words she is saying and this is working for us. Your hubby might hear the same words played back and recognise the tone better, with the clarity of space and time rather than the emotional in the moment. Also remember sleep deprivation and heightened emotions of a big change in your relationship with each other might be making him feel very defensive. Sasha