Baby Hints & Tips

Post Natal Depression and Relationships

PNDPost natal depression and relationships, please help. I’m a ftm to a beautiful 8 month old DD. I am struggling with PND at the moment. I feel like since my dd was born that I only have enough room in my heart to love her and just her. I feel like all of my mental and emotional, not to forget physical energy goes to her. I love her more than anything and from the second we get up (we co sleep) to the moment we go to bed, every minute of my time is spent with her or for her benefit. I feel like I have no time or desire to be around my partner (her daddy) who until she was born I couldn’t keep away from. I have zero sex drive and struggle to show affection to anyone except my dd. I also feel that if I ever had another child there is no way I could love anyone as much as I love her. I lost my mother to depression/ suicide 2 months before falling pregnant, I had a very traumatic labour and birth and my dd has been in and out of hospital since birth and is a terrible sleeper. All of which i am sure are contributing factors. Am I going crazy? Am i the only one that feels this way? Or is this just another phase of PND?

  • I can relate to your situation in many ways. With my firstborn, I had a traumatic birth (csect) and a painful long recovery. My dd was a horrible sleeper, unless she was in my arms and constantly on the breast, so I hardly had a second for myself for many months, I had trouble with health professionals and looking back I see I had Undiagnosed PND. I also felt i only had room in my heart to love my dd and had no sexual desire for a long time, in fact it only returned when my period returned at 15 months post birth. I also could not fathom loving another child as much as dd. I now have 3 children who I love so much and each differently because they are all different people. The attempted vbac and lovely csect with my second child healed the pain and guilt and regret from my first experience. My sex drive after my second returned again when my periods returned and I’m still waiting since having my third, so I believe it’s definitely hormone related. I guess what I’m trying to say is that things will change, you will change with time, with your next birth, when your hormones get back to normal etc so please don’t feel wrong about yourself. You are not crazy, or if you are then i am too! More seriously, if they don’t improve or if things feel worse, then definitely ask for help. But right now I think you’re doing great and it’s somewhat normal, because it sounds similar to my experiences and I’m doing great now so I hope it all turns out great for you like it has for me. I hope this is helpful and not something that makes you feel worse, it’s hard not to compare and sound all “been there done that” and minimize another person’s experiences. You’ve been given lots of good advice already, take the things that resonate with you and trust your instincts, you are in the best position to realise when you really need help. Good luck, the first baby is a roller coaster of crazy. My oldest is six and I’m still making so many mistakes with her which make me feel like the worst mother and yet I know I’m a brilliant mother to my third child who gets all the benefit of my experiences and failures with my poor firstborn! Take care x   Maya
  •  I had a similar experience…. My father in law passed away 5 weeks before I gave birth…. My partner then cheated on me… Wasn’t home throughout those 5 weeks… He was actually leaving me then that night I went into labour…. Needless to say, I was emotional/ upset felt abandoned…. I wasn’t sleeping or eating, I went from a size 20 down to a 12-14 in a matter of weeks… Then thoughts of suicide became stronger… That’s when I took myself to the doctors… I went straight into hospital and had friends look after my little bub until his father could do it… I ended up in a mental ward as there was no other place for me to go… I had sessions with psychs and they put me on antidepressants…. Almost 3 years later, and I’m just coming off my meds and things are looking up! Be proud of yourself for asking for advice/help… Now take the next step and see your doctor.   Alison
  •  Definitely seek expert advice I can’t express the importance of getting on top of this now you don’t want to be feeling like this in the future so please don’t hesitate & seek the help you need to be the best you can be for your family. Best of luck.   Naomi
  •  I feel like this should be a question for a therapist. I can see where you’re coming from in some aspects. My dd is my world too and when I fell pregnant with my second (now 35weeks) I thought to myself… How can I possibly love another baby like I love my dd? It seemed impossible to fathom. But when I thought deeply in myself about it I knew, when I see him it will be the same as when I saw my dd for the first ever time. Instant love for an innocent baby who needs you to help it grow! I didn’t think I could love my baby daddy anymore than I already did I thought I loved him soooo much already. Bit everyday it grows and grows seeing him being an awesome dad and I’m thankful that my babies are half him. He gave me my babies which is the best gift in the world.I’d say your lack of sexual feelings is a hormone imbalance takes a while to get it back! Maybe go to your Dr talk about that and see if it is so I’d talk to a therapist about the rest just remember there’s nothing wrong with loving your baby huge amounts it’s normal.   Laura
  •  Please contact Support for Mums. They offer many services to help. I am doing a fundraising skydive in November to raise funds for the group. It’s an Australia wide jump. If anyone is interested in joining us please contact me. I hope you get some good advice and the support you need.   Candice
  •  I had my 1st child at 19 and suffered PND and I thought the same way as you do. There is no way I could love another child as much as I loved my first born. I have gone on to have 2 more children and I love them all the same way and same amount. I believe you should get some help with your PND. I didn’t get help and looking back I should have. I NEVER harmed my son but I felt crap as a mother and as a woman and partner to my now husband. With my 2nd pregnancy my husband’s uncle passed away. That was tough on our family. My grandmother passed when my sons were 3 and nearly one and when I was pregnant with my youngest son my beloved grandfather who was like my father passed away and I suffered with depression fir a few months after that. Like I said before please get some help.   Carla
  •  Oh mummy big hugs you are NOT going crazy!! I had pnd and it sounds like that is possibly what you may have, have you spoken to your dr? I would strongly suggest swing a psychiatrist that specializes in pnd it made the world of difference for me also you can get 10 free sessions with a psychologist which is handy if you don’t want to see a psychiatrist. Nothing will be a quick easy fix but if you can get some professional help it will certainly help.   Kim
  •  To me it sounds like you are grieving for your mother. Ur love towards your daughter sounds like you love her and would never leave her or hurt her. It’s very normal. But maybe talk to your partner and let him know how you feel and maybe also talk to your gp. Hope things get better for you. Sorry for your lose of your mother honestly u just sound like a very loving mother.   Charmaine
  •  I had PND I went and seen my doc and got a referral to see a psychologist. She helped me a lot and was able to explain why I may have been feeling the way I was!   Bec
  •  One thing to remember is your kids will grow up and leave the nest then it’s just going to be and your husband. I love my 2 children more than anything and before I had my second I thought I could never love anything as much as I love my daughter. It’s weird it’s like your heart grows to accommodate. Husbands tend to slip down the list of priorities but you need to make the effort and try to rekindle your relationship. Even just to one night a month do something with just you two. Sorry about your mum. And please keep going to see councilors.   Victoria
  •  Pregnancy & breast feeding stop your body producing estrogen, which messes with sex drive etc. give yourself time & talk to your partner, I think that’s the most important thing. If you feel you need to, have a chat to your gp sometimes there advice can help your partner & it might put your mind at ease. Try and take some time to do something just for you, get out & go for a walk or do a craft or something that makes you happy. All the best x    Kristy
  •  I too suffered from PND and my advice is to seek professional advice. See you’re Doctor or your CHN because it will get worse for you if you don’t get some outside help. Talking to your partner or a friend may ease your pain for a short while but in the long run your DD will suffer. Please ask for help. You won’t believe how different you will feel with the right counseling and or drugs. Best of luck and I hope you bet it before it beats you.   Emma
  •  Big hugs for you mummy! Being a mum is hard work!! It is so exhausting and it is hard to find time for anything else than your baby. Be open and honest with your husband. My hubby and I try and do a date night every month. This gives us time together to just be a normal couple again. I think you should speak to your doctor and get some more help too. PND is so tough, but the fog does lift!! You’re a great mum don’t forgot that! Xxx   Juliet
  •  I hope things get better for you. Everything you just said happened to me. I had my DS 13 months ago and the rest if my life fell to pieces as I spent every waking moment serving him and giving him all of my love and attention. It takes a long time but you have to learn that it ok to have one to yourself. I spent 5 weeks in a mother baby unit and it helped me a lot. You definitely need to talk to somebody. I just had my DD 5 weeks ago and I was adamant that I would not love this baby as much as my first and if I had to choose one it would always be my son… As soon as she was born I loved her to pieces and they are both equal in my heart. Best advice is to talk to a psychologist and try and make at least 15 minutes for yourself. Xoxoxo    Samantha
  •  I feel for u sounds like u have been through a lot and I’m sure it will get easier with time. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that towards your darling girl with what you’ve been through. I can say when I was pregnant I was worried I wouldn’t love my son as much as my little girl but I certainly do.  Lani
  •  It is so so common! People just don’t talk about it enough. It’s so important you go see a good GP so they can help. I’ve been through it (although while pregnant), and I’ve seen close friends totally go off the rails because of PND. Make sure you talk to friends and your partner and your GP.   DeeDee
  •  These feelings I believe are somewhat normal for a first time mum, it is extremely hard but I noticed a big change in myself and my feelings at the 8 month mark… hopefully the new and exciting milestones will be enough to help you through… husbands do tend to go on the back burner esp til around the age that your bub is at, I guess as others mentioned if you are finding it difficult you may need some support from a counselor. ..It is a tough job but it has the most beautiful rewards… hope you feel better soon ..Jodie
  •  My heart goes out to you. Just remember you have been through a lot it takes time to heal. I had a traumatic birth and my dd is almost 1 and it makes you just want to b alone and losing your mum will properly want to hold on to that closeness with your dd. I hope it will pick up for you, maybe even set away some time to spend with your partner not necessarily intimate but it’s a start.   Kristy
  •  I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time – I think finding some time for counseling will help you deal with the trauma you’re carrying and boost your relationship. I hope things improve for you x   Alexandra
  •  I can’t help with all your comments, I have no experience with PND, but trust me if you have more children you will love them just as much. I had that worry when trying for my second child, how could I love the baby as much as my first? I now have 3 children and I love them all equally, they are a total joy to have in my life. Just try and remember you are not only a mother, but also a partner and its healthy for you and your baby to have great relationships with other people, it’s how your baby learns that it’s is ok to be with others and sometimes even away from mum.   Stacey
  •  My munchkin is just turned 5 and I still have all those same feelings for her. Worship the ground she walks on. She has spent a lot of time in and out of hospital also and we almost lost her twice so I am certain that compounded how protective of her and how in love with her I am. I don’t think anyone will ever compare to her xxx   Leesa
  •  It’s time to seek out professional help & know that its ok to do so. You’ve had a really shitty time & I feel that a mother’s coping mechanism kicks in when there is way too much to emotionally cope with. Talk to your doctor about seeking someone to help out. Be proud of the mummy you are …good luck honey xxx   Natasha
  •  I’m much the same in the sense that I find it very hard to be affectionate to my husband because I’m so busy loving my kids. As for worrying about loving future children, you will love them just as much. I was terrified I wouldn’t love my 2nd because I couldn’t see how i could possibly have room for that much love for another, but I do I’m not pregnant with number 3 & I’m sure my heart will make plenty of room.  Michelle
  •  Some of your feelings are what I would consider “normal”. With lack of sleep and so many stressful things going on in your life you can’t be expected to be at your best. And trust me I know how sleep deprivation can cause a person to feel and act crazy. Give yourself a break. Make sure you put your daughter and self first. Clearly you are a committed mother but remember your partner would be having feelings of his own to work through. With my 2nd I remember feeling anxious, unsure if I could love another baby as much as my first but honestly, someone told me one day “your love isn’t divided between kids it multiplies” and this is true, so don’t worry about feeling this way. Seek out support groups in your area. You may be surprised about how many other mothers are going through the same things. And remember just like babies we go through stages of change after birth. Allow yourself to be selfish for awhile and recover. Explain to hubby that it won’t last forever and focus on the great things that happen and not the bad stuff. Honestly it gets easier. Good luck your certainly not alone. Xo   Lindy
  •  My sis has same problem turns out she has a thyroid issues but my pnd is just pnd.  Charni


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