I was talking to a friend about how I’d been asked to write an article for a ‘Spring Cleaning’ theme. She said that it should be really easy for me to do because my house always looks so clean and I’m so organised. I scoffed derisively, managing to dribble hot chocolate out of my nose, until I realised that she wasn’t being sarcastic. She honestly did think that I was the Martha Stewart of Coburg.
I am now about to reveal my secret; not a Martha style tax evasion scheme but one of the greatest long cons of our time.
I am secretly disgusting.
Those who knew me when I was younger may have visited the share house where we surrendered our pantry to rats. They moved in and we really couldn’t be bothered doing anything about it so we boarded the holes in the door up and kind of left them to it. Many a night was spent huddled in our collective beds listening to the rats become louder, crazier and, we could only assume, more confident. Visitors to the house would initially laugh when they would ask for a cup of tea and one of us would get a teabag that had been hidden behind the television but laughter would turn to disgust and they would soon leave.
But now I am an adult. I have had to learn how to dress up my disgustingness in order to pass as part of society. Let me tell you of my ways.
Make sure you have at least one dog.
Your dog is the head of your cleaning crew and should be viewed as your man on the ground. Anything edible that hits the ground apart from chocolate (as if that would ever hit the ground in my house) is his department. Efficient.
Give yourself a mum uniform to cut down on washing and wasted minutes choosing an outfit. Mine is leggings and flannel shirts. It works in well with the area I live in, flannel is a forgiving pattern and you can go at least four days in the same shirt before anyone notices enough to comment. Handy.
Baby wipes are your friend
Take advantage of having a baby and use baby wipes for everything. Food spill? Baby wipe. Eyeliner running? Baby wipe. Mysterious substance on the wall? Baby wipe. Not sure if baby is dirty? Baby wipe. Genius.
The mullet theory
Subscribe to the mullet theory of cupboard and wardrobe organisation. Business in the front and party in the back. This has an added hilarious bonus when your partner unsuspectingly opens a cupboard and is then covered in an avalanche of assorted crap. This is also when my baby laughed for the first real time.
Limit access to some rooms
Company coming over can be tricky. You can stop people from going into rooms with a bold statement like ‘’Please don’t use the main bathroom, someone did a massive poo in there before and it won’t flush”. You will have to fall on your own sword here but the pay-off is worth it. Being secretly filthy is all about bold, power moves and taking chances.
Have a feature or conversation piece to draw the eye away from any misses that you didn’t get with the baby wipes the first time around. For the daredevils amongst you don’t plan these stories in advance. This has the dual effect of covering up your filth and enhancing your improvisation skills which always comes in handy.
Light a match!
Lastly, and this is extreme, light a match to cover any weird smells. If anyone asks you what you’re doing just start singing happy birthday. Everyone loves a party!
If you can’t get away with the bare minimum and you really do need to roll up your sleeves and get some work done – get a robot vacuum. Yes, they clean the floor, but you also get to do this, courtesy of Parks and Recreation. Enjoy!
What are your cleaning shortcuts?
*Yes, this article is meant to be sarcastic. If you didn’t laugh, please read it again.