Sarah shares, when I fell pregnant for the first time, I knew my life was going to change. When people told me that the change would be drastic I even believed them. Then the baby arrived and I realised that there was a whole new world of normal that I never knew existed. Here are ten of the things I had no idea about before having my kids:
1. Weet-bix will be a viable stand-in if there is ever a shortage of concrete.
2. It can feel normal to lift your top in public and expose your boob (okay, it’s only exposed to a tiny person who’s eyes light up because all they see is FOOD. But your boob still feels the air).
3. If you have baby poo on your waistband because your baby had a poo explosion while you were at your mother’s, not only will you head out in public, but no-one will notice. If you are lucky, you will remember to wash your jeans when you get home and not wear them unwashed three days later.
4. Dribble is cold, vomit is warm. This is vital information at 3am.
5. Child-rearing is a competitive sport. Well, some people think it is, and they can be vicious. I’m talking dirty tactics, like suggesting that it’s normal for two year olds to walk on their hands. Or something. I wasn’t listening, I was just thinking about what they’re going to do when medals aren’t handed out once their child turns 18.
6. It is possible to spend two hours out at dinner and only have five minutes to shovel your almost cold meal down before scurrying out the door hoping you haven’t got spaghetti sauce smeared down your back. It is also very likely that you will be toting a bag filled with enough toys to fit out the local daycare centre and that those two hours will be filled with bribes short of a pony to keep your children sitting at the table because they don’t want to play with any of those toys and have suddenly developed an avid interest in the brick wall on the other side of the restaurant.
7. Dinners at home are FAR more attractive than dinners out.
8. It is possible to go to the toilet with a two year old sitting on your lap, and this will seem normal.
9. You can read One, Two, Cockatoo thirty-six times and still cry out for more.
10. Having a shower is an achievement. Having a shower two days in a row AND brushing your teeth deserves its own facebook status.