Lou provides inspiration for cheap Christmas presents. 
Oh. My. Glob. IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME, BITCHES. Jingle bells, Batman smells, get the hell out of my way because I am ready TO PARTY. Cooking. Decorating. Moving furniture around and then moving it back again. I am going to do all of these things at lightning speed because it is the most wonderful time of the goddam year.
My son is now at the age where knows who Santa is, and what trees and lights represent. He has been working on his Jingle Bells performances for the childcare Christmas party. He really enjoys Christmas shopping and he knows that the way to mama’s heart is to ask if we can go to the “big shop” – also known as K-Mart.
That most holy of grails. That mecca. That place of all things pure and good.
He has always known that going to K-Mart means that he gets to sit in the trolley with a fresh donut from Donut King. He gets to mung away on that sugary sweetness until his little eyes pop out of his head. During this time I circle in an aimlessly widening radius of joy looking for competitively priced products I would like to purchase, and then leave with $100 worth of shit I don’t need.
However, the fifteen times we’ve been in November have been different. I have been squinting past the blinking lights and the inflatable Santas twerking around all over the place to look for those beautiful bargains. As Dick Van Dyke always said, “Christmas just ain’t Christmas without the smug feeling of coming in under budget.” (He may not have actually said that, sorry)
In the spirit of good old Dick-Dyke, I’m going to let you look at my cheat sheet for budget Christmas presents (translation, Povo Presents for those Special Someones). You are absolutely welcome, and yes, I will have a mince pie, how nice of you to suggest it.
Kid
I’m a member of a lot of those Buy-Swap-Sell Facebook groups. If you’ve not seen them before, hold onto your butt because they’re incredibly addictive. A lot of it is rubbish (Fifty bucks? Tell him he’s dreaming) but if you’re patient you’ll find the gold.
I have already gotten the majority of kid toys I need from people off-loading stuff. I’ve gotten an old-fashioned tricycle that was a little rusty – just scrunch up some wet aluminum foil and give it a scrub and it comes up clean. I also got a carton of really cool retro wooden blocks that have turrets and windows and cylinders – perfect for more shit to get lost under the couch. I’ll add these up-cycled finds to one or two K-Mart toys and I’ll probably end up coming in under $50. Cha-ching.
Husband
I would usually say that my presence is presents enough, but it seems only fair that I include some tips on how to put the ass in cheap-ass for this guy as well. Depending on what your dude is into I’d certainly recommend a voucher as a stocking stuffer. I think my husband’s idea of heaven is staring at the racks of different shit in Bunnings for as long as he wants without being asked to hurry up or farted on by a small child.
If you don’t want to go vouchers something that makes him feel young and not like the old egg he has become could be a reasonably sick idea. I once got him ice-block moulds in the shape of rockets when we’d only been dating for about six months – we’ve actually still got them. Remote control car, tickets to see a band he likes, a cool t-shirt – something that says ‘you’ve still got it’ instead of ‘you don’t know what it is anymore’. Be creative and sweet and you can pull this one in for under a pineapple as well. Dollah dollah bills, ya’ll!
Office Secret Santa
This sucks. I’m sorry. There is no good thing about Secret Santa. The only person who actually enjoys this is the absolute sadist who came up with the idea to do it in the first place. But, if you need to suck it up and pretend to be normal, you’re going to have to get involved.
You can buy little USB fridges at stationery places. I’ve got one of them and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Think of all the things the person could put in there. One drink. Six grapes. One half of a small wheel of cheese. The possibilities are ENDLESS and you will at last be respected as the Office God you have always imagined yourself to be. They cost like $10 – sweet deal!
I’m sorry I don’t have any more categories for you. I’m kind of a tight-ass when it comes to buying stuff for other people. And to all a good night!
